A lot of us have been taught to put rules and limitations on when to have sex and we've all heard conflicting statements like:
"Wait 90 days before you give him the cookie."
"It's acceptable to have sex on the third date."
"Dont have sex until you're married!"
"Fuck as many women as you can."
"When two people love each other, they have sex!"
What if we went back to the basics and simply ask ourselves: "Do I want to have sex with this person?"
WISDOM - ADVICE - PERSPECTIVE
for DECIDING WHEN TO DO IT
Whether you have sex on the first date or after your first dance, it's important that everyone involved is not only giving consent, but is enthusiastic about it! This means you're involved because you actually want to be, not because you feel pressured or expected to be.
Please note: You have the right to revoke consent at anytime!
Most of us have been brought up in sex-negative societies where we have been receiving messages that have wired us to believe sex is bad, dirty, shameful or only something we can do when we're married. But the truth is, we are all born sexual beings! With a little bit of courage and curiosity we can re-examine and unlearn whatever it is we were taught that is no longer working for us and we can explore and discover what does work. When it comes to deciding when to do it, regardless of what you have been taught is "acceptable" or "normal" the choice is ultimately between you and the person(s) you will be doing it with (assuming everyone involved is of age, and able to give informed and enthusiastic consent).
When I first started having sex, I had sex with anyone I was attracted to. About 4 years later I found myself only being intimate with people I was in an exclusive relationship with. 10 years after that and after 1 year of being single, I was finally in a headspace where I was interested in pursuing a friends with benefits relationship. Deciding when I do it with someone has changed for me over the years and each way is valid and acceptable. Speaking from personal experience, the reality is you could wake up the morning after you've explored something or someone new feeling happy, safe, empowered and excited or you could wake up feeling shame, disappointment, confusion , anxiety, just plain icky or a mixture of both!
So what do you do if you wake up feeling shame, disappointment, confusion or anxiety?
It's important to be gentle with yourself. It may be really tempting to just suppress those nasty feelings, forget whatever it is that made you feel that way and move on as quickly as possible. As uncomfortable as it may be when these feelings suddenly appear, try not to be too hard on yourself.
I'm not saying you should go out tonight and purposely put yourself in an uncomfortable situation just for the sake of self growth What I AM saying is that it's completely normal to have some different emotions or feelings when it comes to new experiences, especially those involving sex! It makes sense to feel some sort of resistance when for so long we have been programmed to believe sex is shameful, dirty, forbidden or wrong.
I encourage you to sit with whatever thoughts/feelings arise and examine them. Lean into each feeling and become curious about them. Start by trying to name the emotion you are feeling and then try to discover what it was that made you feel that way. If you can pinpoint what it is about the situation that triggered specific feelings (good or bad) you can be more mindful of them in the future!
It doesn't matter if you choose to take part in orgies every weekend, sext with someone you met off of a dating app, or abstain from sex completely, You get to decide who, what, where and when feels right for you. Remember, you have the right to sexual autonomy AND pleasure! Personally, I've had many different experiences and found that how I feel about them afterwards can vary. I've discovered that the things that can change how I feel about an interaction can be anything from my mindset, to how I currently feel in my body, who the person is, or even how the interaction went before, during and after we hooked up.
Where you're at in life can have quite the impact on if and when you decide to do it with someone and even who that someone might be!
Maybe you just got out of a 10 year relationship and want to have as many new partners as possible so you can try those things your ex never wanted to.
Perhaps you just got out of a 6 month relationship and can't even fathom the idea of having sex with anyone other than your vibrator.
It could be that you and your partner decide to open up your relationship, start swinging or having group sex.
Or, maybe you've been single for years and decide you want to have a one-night stand, fuck buddy, or even a friend with benefits.
No matter what your decision may be, its your body and your choice. You may find yourself learning new things about your boundaries, wants, needs, likes, dislikes, kinks and desires! Whether it's the 1st time with a new partner or the 100th time with your lover, exploring the way you feel after sex can be a great catalyst to a better relationship with your body, sexuality and even your partner(s).
As you get familiar with the things you want and need incorporated into your erotic experiences you will probably find yourself feeling a lot more comfortable and confident when you're deciding when to do it!