Did you know it's OK to have sex without having an orgasm?
The last few months I've been offering free (sex) life coaching sessions. One of the most common things people want to talk with me about are orgasms. Specifically, women. Women want to learn how to orgasm with a partner, they're curious if it's "normal" that they can't cum when they're with another person and are confused and frustrated about the fact that it's not happening.
Not being able to orgasm with a partner is frustrating, but actually really common and perfectly normal.
However, the constant pressure from a partner or the stress of feeling like it's necessary to have an orgasm can be enough to stop it from happening. Before I go any further, I have to let you know that the book "Come as you are" by Emily Nagoski is super helpful, informative and reassuring for anyone that can relate to anything I've said thus far.
Now that you've gone and purchased that book off of amazon, I'm going to put orgasms into perspective for you by using one of my favourite things, food.
Have you ever gone to a restaurant and had THE MOST amazing meal of your life but weren't able to finish it?
Did that mean you didn't enjoy it? No.
Did that mean you didn't have a great time with whoever you were out to eat with? No.
Just because you're not able to "finish" during sex, doesn't mean shit.
I'm not just talking to women either, same goes for men! It's a shame that we always associate sex with orgasm and our narcissistic asses never fail to think there's something wrong with us because our partner didn't have some grand, loud, porn like climax.
Picture this: The woman you're with may have never had an orgasm in her life and you come waltzing into the bedroom demanding one. That's stressful as fuck. The funny thing about stress is that it can play a role in preventing those orgasms you so desperately want your partner to have.
If you have a penis and are reading this, think about if you've ever been in a situation where you couldn't get or maintain an erection. If the person you were with kept bringing up your flaccid penis do you think you'd be able to get it hard? Would it make you feel stressed, embarrassed or frustrated?
Don't get me wrong, orgasms are fantastic. Not having them can feel disappointing, stressful, frustrating and maybe even embarrassing but pressuring your partner to cum isn't going to make it magically happen.
Sometimes all the person needs is something specific they may not have shared with you. Maybe it's a toy, a certain position, or perhaps it's still uncharted territory for them and they have absolutely no idea what they need!
If you want to discuss this with someone, whether it's your: Girlfriend, Boyfriend, Husband, Wife, Dom, Sub, Friend or even a complete stranger all I ask is that you just be gentle and come from a place of curiosity, not judgement.
Go get em tiger.